revelations and exile
A few years ago I dreamt that I believed. In my dream I could feel God living inside me, more like a light than a friend. Maybe it was knowledge of safety, or security. I felt joyful and smiled a lot. It was sunny, summer, blue skies.
But then in my dream I went to worship, and as I entered the church everyone looked at me, and whispered. The priest came up to me as I was walking through the door and said "This is only for believers", and as much as I tried I couldn't convince him to let me stay. I left eventually, feeling a bit sad, but still joyful.
When I woke up I felt like I had lost something, there was only me in my body - a cold sharp presence, nothing else.
Last night I dreamt I was going to die. A doctor or someone told me I had some kind of disease, I don't know what. I had maybe a year, or maybe ten, they couldn't say. In my dream the knowledge was real, and close, and dreadful. I spent the dream walking around, trying to figure out how to put my affairs in order. There was a desperate grasping at religion in the dream. I knew that what I had was coming to an end, and I couldn't accept it. I'd always thought I was strong, but maybe I needed God to keep me sane to my grave, whether he was real or not. After I woke up I carried the ghost of that dream around with me all day.
So, what does it all mean? I still don't believe. I lost that years ago when I discovered reason, and although I know the two aren't mutually exclusive I can't get it back. Nor do I want it. For me it's enough to be able to believe in my sleep, where arguments don't matter.
